I know I'm no Elvis - short story

This is a working draft of a short story from the book, Fragments from Beijing.

I know I’m no Elvis

There’s no accounting for what drives a guy to a certain place and there’s no accounting for why he stays there and lives a certain kinda life. One of my students once said that what we learn now is what we needed to have learnt in our past life. I guess there must be some truth in that because I can’t explain what I done before and I’m always looking for reasons as to why everything turned out the way it did.

The city was like some crazy architects dream, I guess the centre was Tianamen then it just tailed off and seemed to stop for a time then opened up onto someplace else. The downtown area was one street with stores and big hotels. A couple miles away was a bar street full of kids and tourists looking around for what was missing, moving onto another bar trying to find it. I was just as dumb and lost, sitting outside drinking beers and trying to find home in the faces walking by. I guess when the centre isn’t a centre, it’s kinda easy to get disorientated.

My hotel was expensive and kinda sucked. I listened to Karaoke coming up from the basement restaurant until three in the morning and when that stopped I stayed up slapping mosquitoes and listening to the horns from the street outside, yelling and building works that never stopped. I wasn’t on a schedule and didn’t plan on staying long after I saw the Great Wall. It struck me as the kinda place you looked over then left, everything seemed like a cover of something else. What was meant to be traditional looked phony alongside the new buildings, what was meant to be ancient had all been rebuilt and stuck together after one of the revolutions that country had going one time or another.

But I didn’t leave. After a time there weren’t so many tourists none and I found a bar I kinda liked near the hotel. It wasn’t like you could get comfortable there you know. Could never become a regular like you could back home, the waiting staff looked at you the same didn’t matter how many times you been there and the other customers never got used to you. I guess I just didn’t have no other place to go after selling the house and all.

I met a guy called Vern one time as I was sitting at the bar. I thought he was Chinese the first time I saw him as he was kinda shrunken and his eyes looked Chinese in the dim light. I heard his accent from where I was sitting and listened to what he was saying for a time. He passed me on the way to the bathroom couple times and we talked about back home and what we were doing there. He was an English teacher at a private school, had been around for couple years but couldn’t speak Chinese any.

He was kinda nice, a laid back, regular guy. He gave me his card and told me to call the manager as he was always looking for English teachers. Said I didn’t need no qualifications, just needed to speak the language and I was all set for making a few bucks. Didn’t think much about it for a time until I was doing some laundry and found the card in my pants. So I called the school and spoke to John, the manager who asked me along for a talk and look the place over.

Took me right back looking at that place, was never good at nothing at school except football, where I played quarter back on accounts of my size. All that muscle turned to fat few years after and I just got bigger. Looking at all the rows of desks and the whiteboard kinda made me feel funny and I didn’t see as how I could teach, not knowing how to go about it. John didn’t think it was a problem any and said I could start the next day if I was interested.

I walked into a classroom and was stared at by about thirty students sitting there with books in front of them at nine thirty the next morning. I remember couple of them laughed when they saw me and I started laughing. And it hit me that I hadn’t laughed since the funeral any and I couldn’t stop and tears came down my face and the sides of my face hurt.

That first day I learned I didn’t know nothing about the language I was speaking and it made me feel dumber than I did already. My students were kinda nice though and asked me all kinda questions, some I thought were kinda personal. They thought it was funny, that I wasn’t married none and didn’t have no girlfriend. They asked me if I liked Chinese food and if I had a gun.

I moved outta the hotel into a dormitory where Vern lived and a couple other teachers. It was way outta town and up six flight of stairs there being no elevator, it was kinda tough going. The room had a closet, desk, single bed and bathroom. I shared a kitchen with the other people on the floor and every day a lady came over to cook our lunch. Her name was Mrs Lee and she liked singing which was kinda nice to listen to. She used to sit and watch me eat, she never got used to my size all the time I was there and always patted my belly when she saw me like it was for luck.

The other teachers were kinda young and Vern kept himself to himself most times. He had a young Chinese girlfriend, one of his old students. They was planning on getting married, she stayed over and I saw her in the kitchen from time to time. She was beautiful looking but wasn’t much for talking even though her English was kinda good.

John, Vern and me would sometimes hang out in a bar close by the school. John never said much, just drank couple beers and went home and Vern would talk some but most times he watched people singing Karaoke. His ideas on the Chinese were kinda funny, didn’t seem to like them much even though he was marrying one of them.

He told me once my students would never be my friends on account of two things. First I was a foreigner and that meant I wasn’t one of them and never would be. Second thing he said was, all I was to them was a way of practicing English. I was kinda hurt by that and said seeing the way some of them lived and all I didn’t mind helping them any ways I could.

I seen some of the places they lived in, government buildings in compounds. They got one small apartment with a bedroom most times for a whole family. They had a squat toilet and the floor didn’t have no carpets just bare concrete or if they had money, some tiling. They’s the lucky ones, the ones living in the alleyways, in the traditional houses only had a shared bathroom for the whole community and some of the places were filthy. Course I’m not saying they all lived like that, I seen some real nice places too but in general that seemed to be the way of things.

I kinda saw my students as friends and hung out with them much I could. I was learning what I could about China and found it kinda interesting and if they wanted to practice their English that was fine by me as I couldn’t speak no Chinese. I was getting serious some about teaching and used to plan classes and make up games to help them learn more. I kinda liked it and I guess my students liked me, seeing as how they liked hanging out with me and all.

I liked the way they showed me respect, even though I didn’t have no qualifications. It wasn’t like I felt I was better than other folks, but it was the first time in my life I was taken serious and was seen as someone other than how I saw myself and that meant something to me, you know.

After class I would either go to a noodle restaurant or for lunch with some of my students. I liked the noodle restaurant; I’d sit at the side of the street and order a huge bowl of noodles, freshly made by a guy. There were tables outside with small stools. All kinda guys went there, taxi drivers, labourors, stall holders, a real lively bunch. Slurping and yapping. Some were regulars and we’d exchange looks. The food was good and dirt cheap, only couple cents. I kinda felt like I fitted in there, you know. They got used to me after a time and I wasn’t stared at so much. I’d have couple beers, eat my fill. They did real good doughnuts, not so good as the ones back home but you kinda got used to them.

I liked to sit with my back to a wall, just to the side of the main entrance. A tree overhung from the other side and shaded me from the sun, sometimes so hot the stool burnt my butt.

I’d watch kids playing in the road, kicking up dirt, old guys with nothing better to do than stand staring with their hands behind their backs. Skinny men, so thin you could see their butt bones carting trash on the back of bicyles. There was always noise. The sound of food being cooked, thrown onto hot plates, hissing, slapping, chopping. People shouting their orders at the cooks, the regulars attempting to shout over the top of one another. The sound was kinda musical. It would have been nice to share it with someone, just to have someone to turn and smile to, you know. I used to stay there for a while, sipping beer and looking.

When the sun went down a little I’d walk around, through the little alleyways, back home. I’d rest up now and again, it being so hot and my legs aching and all. The kinda stuff you see down the little dirt roads gave you some idea of how the real people lived you know. The houses were all cramped up together, people living one on top of the other. They keep their food outside, when it was real hot they’d put their vegetables in bowls of water but always bought it fresh every day. When it was too hot to sleep I seen the old folks coming home with bundles of vegetables fresh from the market early as five or six in the morning. Got some real strange habits too like walking backwards. I seen them, couldn’t believe it the first time but I kinda got used to it. Vern told me it made them live longer or something. Seems kinda funny way of going about things. One time I was just wandering and stopped to catch my breath, I was watching a group of kids playing. They saw me and stopped what they were doing, then a little girl jumped in front of her brother, put her arms round him like she was protecting him from something. I looked round to see what the problem was,took couple seconds to see it was me. She stared at me, straight in the eye and looked real fierce. It bugged me, that did, bugged me a lot.

One night I was sitting with Vern and John at the bar and something hit my gut. I thought at first it must be something I ate, the food there could get to you like that, some places were real dirty. The pain was so bad, I squeezed my eyes tight and couldn’t breathe. My heart was banging like a broken porch door in a gale and I was scared I was having a heart attack. It only lasted a few seconds and I was dripping with sweat. When I opened my eyes John was kinda staring at me, I met his eye and something passed between us, some kinda understanding. Even now I don’t know what it was, it’s hard to say. I sat breathing real heavy. Vern was watching a girl singing Karaoke and John had turned away.

That night, after I left the bar, I walked in the opposite way of the dormatory. I just walked, with no idea of where, until it got light. That night the stars were larger than normal and the moon was so big and bright it was hard to look at. I sat on a bench outside the gate to a park, everything so quiet and still. For a time there I thought I was dreaming, nothing seemed real. I pictured the walk back to the dormatory, up those stairs into that room. I saw myself in the bar with the two guys. I saw myself the way my students saw me, something as a means to an end, something to laugh at, you know. I always pretend I can’t see, I have done for years. I’ve never been one for fighting. I kinda feel I deserve it, being so big and all. I kinda feel that’s just the way the world is and this is the way I am. It’s hard to say but, sitting there, there was no buffer no more. Like breaking a blister and letting the fluid leak out. There was just me. Just me. And me being the way I am.

The pain in my gut lasted a few days, like I strained something. It ached and the ache lessened and I kinda forgot about it but I was never really full after that, could never eat enough. That morning, before teaching I went to a Macdonalds and ordered five or six big macs and couple cartons of fries. People around just stood there staring, crowded around and watched me eat, reminded me of a pie eating contest. Even after I still wanted more.

We began a new term, some of my students stayed on but most went in whatever direction learning English took them, usually making money. I never known a people for wanting money. Money’s never meant much to me, just something I had to make to live, I never wanted to be rich, famous or nothing like that. When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor but that’s what all kids wanna do. Getting older, with my mother to look after, school got kinda sidelined. I always been kinda content with what I had, enough for couple beers, pay the bills, decent food. I seen some folks almost driven crazy about money and some stories I heard tell don’t bear believing. There, seemed nothing was more important. Then I suppose our circumstances were kinda different.

Every morning I was woken up by a computerised voice saying the same words over and over. It began at six and ended about twenty after. Even now I can recite it: computer; televison; teacher; English; mathematics; desk; radio; grammar; basketball; exercise; apple; pencil; chair; window; book… Sometimes I would repeat it over and over when I was trying to sleep but it bugged me more than anything. I couldn’t quite figure how the words connected. I’d lie for a while, listening to the womans voice. It came from a loudspeaker across the street where there was a school. Other times it played music, sometimes popular hits I’d hear almost everywhere, sometimes nationalistic stuff.

One day I came home and Mrs Lee had bought me a new towel, I guess she must have seen as how my old one was kinda old. That touched me, her being so kind and thoughtful like that so I bought her a scarf to show my appreciation.

I seen the way the others treated her, you know. I never been one for being waited on by others, with my mother being so sick I always did everything around the house. Mrs Lee got yelled at a lot, she never let on she minded but I could tell it bugged her and I knew her salary weren’t up to much neither. She had a son, showed me a picture of him once, real cute. He liked music, played some kinda instrument and was real smart.

I guess, even when you speak the same language it’s still difficult to understand what folks really mean. There, I had to go by how people’s eyes and hands spoke rather than what was coming out of their mouths and I swear even now, I probably knew them better for it.

The next day I went into the kitchen for lunch and Mrs Lee was waiting for me, she had the scarf in its box on her knees. She started talking to me in Chinese but her eyes were kinda shining so I knew she liked it. She took it out and put it round her neck, walked up and down you know, like a fashion model. She was laughing, her laugh was real girlish, young for her age. Then she put her hand, very gently on my face. I swear to god the tears came to my eyes and I had real hard trouble stopping myself weeping like a child. When she touched my face it hit me that that was the first time I been tenderly touched for a long time, so long that when she reached up I nearly backed away from her. Course it wasn’t only that that touched me but the way something so small could make a person so happy, you know. It’s kinda hard for me to say, I’m not saying here what it is, how it was. I look kinda dumb, I know that and I look like I’m always feeling sorry for myself and that isn’t the way it was neither. So I guess I should leave it there because sometimes words can’t find what‘s truly in the heart or bring back a memory the way music can, you know.

After that it was kinda awkward for a time because she gave me special attention I don’t think I really earned. She always made what I liked to eat most and gave me a lot more than the others which I thought wasn’t so fair. I tried to tell her but she seemed kinda hurt so I didn’t say nothing after a time. Sometimes I’d find fruit in my room or a special kinda tea because she knew I liked to drink it.

Vern said I must be careful about buying the Chinese gifts because it meant I wanted to establish some kinda relationship with them. I think Vern was sometimes a little bitter than is healthy.

It got so hot that summer, what with the pollution and no trees, sometimes I thought I wouldn’t make it back home. There was no escape you know, just this great orange sun. I felt like I was fighting it, it was so fierce and all. Back home the sun never seemed so strong. I remember I used to sit on the porch, the dog panting by my feet, his tongue stuck out one side of his mouth. I’d drink lemonade, freshly made just right, not too bitter, ice cold. I’d stop by Mrs Sallingers on my way back from work, her being alone and all. Used to look after my mother when she was a kid, what with her husband dying she didn’t have no one else. She liked to talk, told me stories about my mom. It was hard to picture my mom as a girl. Mrs Salinger said she was a real tomboy, liked fishing and climbing trees.

Mrs Sallinger used to like talking about the old days, her eyes would stare off into the distance and sometimes I think she forgot I was there. I’d stop by often as I could on my way home from work. She couldn’t move about so well so I’d pick up groceries for her and help her with whatever needed doing about the house. I thought about that lemonade a lot on those burning days in Beijing.

The tea there was real good, course, being China and all. They did some real good iced tea, I used to drink some with lime in it. Drank it by the bucketload. I’d buy a bunch and take them to the noodle stall. When it got too hot to go there, I found a restaurant nearby, small place. I’d sit by the window as I liked to watch people as much as they liked to watch me. I’d look at the guys walking by with their vests rolled up to their necks and their pants rolled to their knees. The girls walked by holding hands with the innocence of children. Being kinda modest they wore long dresses and carried rain umbrellas to keep the sun off of them. It wasn’t seen as so good to have dark skin or so I heard tell and when you look at ancient Chinese beauties they’re all very white and thin. I seen a lot of them in the history books I been reading. I even read someplace that even if a girl was not much to look at, if she had white skin she was beautiful.

Some of my students were so thin they look like they could snap in two, when I was beside them I felt so big and clumsy, some of their waists were smaller than my wrist or so it seemed. Even the men were thin, sure there was some big ones but not so many you didn’t notice.

A midget worked at the door of the restaurant. He wore an old fashioned Chinese jacket with the ties going across, wide pants and a small cap like the Jews except bigger. He was there everyday, standing outside in the heat, sometimes I saw him ready to fall down. He opened the door for people and carried a copy of the menu to show those that might be interested in coming in. People used to stare long and hard at that little guy but he’d stare right back. We became kinda friendly, not buddies, couldn’t speak to each other none but we’d nod or smile as I went into the restaurant. I was using the subway one time and there was a female midget selling papers, I thought about trying to introduce them then thought that was kinda dumb.

I began teaching Mrs Lee English, nothing too difficult stuff like book, table, chair. After lunch I’d sit with her and point to things in the kitchen, then I’d write the word and help her pronounce it. We went over the same things adding a new word when she knew the others. She tried to teach me Chinese but I’d forget soon as she said it, it wasn’t the word but the way she said it that was the problem. I found it kinda embarrassing that I showed her how dumb I was. Her pronunciation of English was kinda funny, very thick like her tongue was too big for her mouth. I guess it was because she’d never studied English not like my students who’d been studying since middle school or before. It was very slow but I kinda enjoyed it, she was always laughing, most times at me but it wasn’t in a mean way, she was too kind. They just got a different way of looking at things.

Vern was trying to get immigration papers worked out, seemed like a lot of trouble. He wanted to take his girlfriend back to the States so as she could study there. He said the big problem was that her folks didn’t know about him. I was kinda surprised at the news, I knew he musta been at least twenty years older than her, maybe more. I didn’t like to ask why and he didn’t tell, so I guess that must been the problem.

She stayed in the dormatory a lot, Mrs Lee didn’t like it none too well being so traditional in her thinking and all. One morning I heard them yelling at each other, course I didn’t know what they were saying but after, Vern said it was because Lily, his girfriend, stayed over so much. I was kinda concerned about Mrs Lee, I went to see if she was okay when it quietened down. She was sitting in the cooking area crying. It broke my heart to see her so upset and when I put my arm over her shoulder she leant against me and I could feel the wet of her tears soaking through my shirt. I felt kinda useless not being able to say nothing comforting to her, after I thought maybe that was better.

Lily didn’t come over so much after but when she did the atmosphere was kinda uncomfortable. It wasn’t my place to say who was right and who was wrong but I didn’t like to see Mrs Lee upset, her being so kind and all.

After the next term was through, I went out with some students to a restaurant. About ten went along and we ate, talked some and they got me to sing Karoke. I like singing, back home some folks said I had a good voice and when mom wasn’t feeling so sick, she liked to hear me sing. When I sing I close my eyes and get lost somewhere, the feeling is hard to put into words but I don’t feel like I’m me, you know. I feel like the music was written just for me, the words are my words. When I was driving the truck I’d put on a tape real loud and sing, helped pass the time. I’d drive along roads with nothing and no one for miles, day would pass into night and night into day. For a long time it was just me and Elvis.

We drank beers and couple students asked me to hang out with them the next day. I had nothing planned so we arranged to meet someplace near the school and go for lunch. That day the weather was kinda strange, very grey, a lot of pollution but hot and wet. It took me a long time to walk to the school, I had to keep stopping to get my breath and rest because my legs ache a lot.

Only one of the students showed up, said the others were too busy so we went to a restaurant together. Her name was Mary, her Chinese name was Yu Meiⁱ but I didn’t know that at the time, my memory for names not being so good, especially Chinese names. She looked real pretty, her hair was tied up and she was wearing a long blue dress with little flowers all over. She was kinda quiet in class so all I knew about her was that she was a good student and always prepared.

She was about five years younger than me and worked in a telephone company. She told me about her work and how she didn’t like it so well. She lived with her mom and dad not too far from my place, said she’d seen me around. She was very graceful, I noticed. We talked for a good time, she was easy to talk too and a real good listener. I told her stuff I hadn’t told anyone before, about moms’ death and how hard it hit me, how this big hole, so big it seemed there was a tear in the earth came after she was gone. How I used to sit up nights after the funeral not knowing what to do with myself. Looking after mom had been such a big part of my life that when she was gone, the habits were hard to stop. I was still checking on her in the night, opening her door and seeing nothing there. I stopped because Mary began to cry and I hate seeing a woman cry. I didn’t mean to upset her or nothing. All this stuff just came pouring out that didn’t have no place to go before.

I couldn’t figure for certain but I think talking helped and after that I didn’t feel so caught up in my thinking. I guess I just needed someone to talk to but I felt mean for upsetting her and all. She called me up after couple days and we went to a park. I bought her some flowers, I liked them because they were nearly the same colour as that dress she wore couple days before. A real pretty colour, a kinda blue, I don’t know the name exactly. The parks weren’t very good there, more sidewalk than grass but it was good to see the children playing and be away from all the buildings.

We didn’t talk about nothing personal this time, just about things we saw around us. Old folks exercising and playing chess, couples with their arms around one another, people flying kites and kids running around. She walked real slow, I noticed, which was kind of her and kept saying we should rest even though she didn’t need to. I was kinda embarrassed she saw me so out of breath and perspiring and all. She stopped to pick up a toy that had fallen from a baby’s hand and talked to the mom for a time. Her voice was gentle, even in Chinese. I heard some of my students talk to each other and they sound a lot different when speaking their own language than they do in English. A lot louder and not so soft, but she was as graceful when talking as she was in everything else. She was like one of those ladies from the books I been reading, like a willow.

I saw her home before it got dark that day. She lived in a tall, grey building the same as all the rest. It didn’t suit her somehow, it didn’t fit how something so elegant could come from something so regular and ugly. I thought about her a lot as I walked home and in my room that night. It was too hot to read and when I thought of her it was like a cool breeze. Sounds dumb but I don’t know how else to say it, it was like nothing else could touch her, nothing could bend her into anything than what she was.

I got a bunch of new students and started over. Mary didn’t call for a while after the park and I didn’t wanna call her. I don’t know why, I tried couple times but hung up before it connected. John called me up and said some of my students had complained about me, he didn’t say why but told me to concentrate more. That shook me up, I sat trying to figure what I’d done to make them think badly of me. The next day was like my first day over and I tried real hard from then on.

Vern got married, he kept it kinda quiet so I didn’t know for a week after when Lily moved into the dormatory. They seemed real happy. It was kinda contagious and I had a dumb smile on my face when I saw them. I think Lily and Mrs Lee made up as I saw them talking couple times and the atmosphere got better. Mrs Lee started singing again which was good to hear and she seemed a lot more relaxed when we took our classes.

One night, Mary called. She sounded different, more quiet and asked to meet me the next day. I couldn’t sleep I was so worried wondering how she was and what could have happened. When I met her she looked thinner and had dark circles under her eyes, she looked like she’d been crying a real lot. We sat on a bench in the park we’d been to before. I was kinda nervous and kept saying dumb things, trying to make her happier. She laughed but it was more nerves than anything. She told me her father was sick, real sick and could be dying. I remember when she was talking she had this paper tissue in her hands and was tearing it into tiny pieces, there was only a small piece left and she tore that even smaller. For a time we didn’t say nothing, I didn’t know what I could say but I felt kinda nausous to see her hurting so much. I don’t know how it happened but we were holding hands. I looked down and her tiny hand was in mine, so small it looked like a porcelain dolls’, so fragile I was scared of causing her more pain.

I asked how I could help and she said there was nothing I could do. She said she’d been calling all her relatives to raise enough money for the hospital but there wouldn’t be enough as he was too sick. He needed operations, she didn’t know how many and would have to stay in hospital for a long time. She didn’t know how to say his sickness in English but she pointed to her head and I guessed it was a tumor or similar. She wouldn’t tell me how much money he needed, said she’d been in the appartment so long with her mother she couldn’t stay there nomore and needed someone to talk to. Then she put her head on my shoulder and cried.

We were there for a long time, three or four hours but it went real quick. I told her I could help her with the money but she said no, that it was up to her, she only wanted to talk to me as she’d no one else. She’d been trying to be strong for her mother who hadn’t left her father’s side since they’d heard the news. She said she’d never been so tired in all her life. She said that in China, it is the child’s responsibility to care for their parents and most only have one child so they have a lot of responsibility to make money so as they can look after their mom and dad after they get old. I kinda knew this already from my students but it never really hit me before how hard it must be for the children, only being allowed one and all.

Looking down at her, as her head rested on my shoulder, I could just see the tip of her nose which was a little red. It seemed like she had the whole world on those tiny shoulders and she wouldn’t let me do nothing to help. We talked about other stuff for a time, I don’t remember what exactly, then she had to go home, back to see her folks. She put her arm through mine as I walked her home and it felt kinda natural to walk like that. I waited till she waved through a window and I knew she was safe then I went back to the dormatory.

I had money saved from selling the house back in the States and I didn’t spend much in Beijing, I didn’t need to living at the dormatory and all. I waited till it was light then walked around the city waiting for the banks to open. I signed the papers to transfer money from my bank in the States to my one in China then went to school. I could feel Mary’s pain like it was my own, I knew from mom’s death and sickness how she must have felt and it made it worse her having to take care of everybody, I only had myself to take care off.

I felt mean for feeling so good about myself, like somehow I was doing it for myself not her. I didn’t want nothing from her, I didn’t think what I felt for her would ever be returned and I wouldn’t have wanted her to waste time with someone like me. She was beautiful, her beauty came from inside like a white light, it came out of her eyes when she smiled and the smile came straight from her heart. I have never met anyone in my life or anyone since who shone like her.

I felt it was okay to call her up to see how she was and she was just as quiet and sad. She tried to hide it but I could hear it in her voice. We’d only met three times but I knew her better than anyone I ever met.

When the money came through I was like a kid, I was smiling so much my face hurt. I got through with my classes and picked up the money, I nearly forgot to call her I was in such a rush to get over to her place. She said she could only meet me for a short time as her father was sicker today than he had been and she didn’t wanna leave him for very long. My shirt was stuck to my back and I was outta breath when I got there. I watched her walking toward me, she was wearing the blue dress and the sunlight was caught in her hair, her face was in shadow then she looked up and saw me and smiled. I swear my heart stopped then and there and I realised I never seen true beauty until that moment. She stood there waiting for me to speak but I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t speak for a million dollars. I just held out the money in a white envelope, she looked at me, her mouth open, just a little, then she looked at the envelope, she took it and opened it and I saw her hand shaking. She put one hand to her mouth then looked back at the envelope. “It’s for you, for your father.” I said. “I hope it will help, it’s not much but I can get more, I can get more by next week”. She looked like she was about to cry but she didn’t, she looked away, she looked away for what seemed like a long time then said, “Thank you.” She looked in my eyes and I looked in hers and we stood there and I didn’t ever want that time to end.

I called and called but no one came to the phone for the next few days, then she called me. She said she was at the hospital, she couldn’t talk for very long, said her father had had his first operation and they were waiting to see if he was okay. The doctors said it had been sucessful but there still might be problems. She said her mother wanted to meet me the next day.

I went to the hospital and met her mother who was very small like Mary, she was short and thin and walked a little bent. She put one hand over the other in front of her in a kinda fist and and said thank you over and over. Mary translated some of what she said, “You have saved my husband and Mary’s father and because of your kindness we will have very many more years together. We will do all we can to repay you. May your life be long and peaceful.” She spoke real fast and Mary couldn’t translate it all but everything she wanted to say was in her eyes.

Mary asked me to wait while she took her mother back to the hospital, when she came back she looked happier than I had seen for a few weeks and her happiness made me happy. Course she was still worried but her face wasn’t so burdened and she laughed couple times.

We spoke on the phone every day after that and it looked like her father was gonna live, luckily they’d saved him in time. Mary’s mother sent gifts all the time, small things like fruits or cakes. I felt bad about taking them but there wasn’t much I could do. My students kept asking me why I was always so happy but I couldn’t give them a straight answer because I didn’t have one to give. All I know is I lived from one day to the next with nothing in my head but listening to the voice of one person in the world. I would go home when class was through, eat lunch in my room and wait for the phone. Sometimes I just stared at it real hard trying to make it ring and sometimes it worked.

We would talk for real long on the phone, mostly about her father but often times about other things and sometimes there didn’t seem much to say but the silence never felt awkward or nothing.

Mary went back to work, she needed to support the family. She said she didn’t mind it so much now because it took her mind of things. I never met a person like her, she seemed so strong and it was hard to see how someone so delicate could have so much strength inside. Everyday I woke up and she was the first thing I thought of and the thought made me smile. It was all I needed, I didn’t want nothing else, I didn’t think she’d ever love me.

It got to August and boy was I glad when it did as the weather got cooler and I didn’t feel like I was on fire the whole time. They had this festival called Moon Cake Day where they eat these small round pies and look at the moon. I walked around town that night and the moon was the biggest I seen in a long time. Most folks were at home with their family and in my head I saw Mary and her mother looking up at the same moon and it made me feel like I was with her. Her mother sent me a box of moon cakes and I ate all of them then felt real bad because I was working serious on a diet and trying to lose a few pounds. Mrs Lee was trying to help me and was giving me healthy stuff to eat but I was hungry all the time. I don’t see’s how lettuce and vegetables can fill a man and keep him going all day. She found out I was taking stuff back to my room and got real mad at me, not in a mean way, just because she was trying to help. We ended up laughing about it in the end and I was careful for a time.

I lost a few pounds and felt great, real proud of myself. I kept feeling my pants around the waist because they got kinda lose and it felt good to notice. When I met with Mary I was real excited, I didn’t say nothing but I kinda hoped she’d see the difference. She didn’t say nothing though and I was a little disappointed and I kinda lost interest after a time. I guess she had more important things on her mind.

The noodle place got knocked down, I went there and it weren’t there no more, just a pile of bricks and dirt. That kinda thing happened a real lot there. One day there was a row of stores and the next day just an empty space. I kinda missed it. It was still too hot in my room so I used to sit outside where there was a barbeque stall. A guy cooked kebabs to order, it smelt real good. He had a few plastic tables and chairs and I’d drink cool beer and eat kebabs. It was kinda pretty, sitting outside with the smell of charcoal and cooking. The nearby restaurants had twinkle lights hanging over the trees nearby and other folks would sit around or squat and just jaw. Two old guys with nothing better to do would play Chinese chess all day and night so it seemed and other folks would pass by and watch for a time. There was a real communal atmosphere. In the dark I didn’t get noticed so much and could just sit back and watch what was happening all around me.

Mary’s father was still real weak but he could talk a little now and he asked her to thank me for all I done. She didn’t look so tired all the time and looked a little healthier. I was real worried because she was always so white but she got some colour in her face and smiled more. She’d got more serious too, seemed like the shock had taken a lot out of her and taken away some of her old ways which I’d kinda liked. When she smiled it was kinda like she was smiling at something else, was somewhere else, it’s kinda hard to say. Like it wasn’t the situation she was smiling at but something going on in her head no one else could see.

She was thinking a lot about where she was going, she wasn’t happy with her work and needed another job. I asked around my students who seemed to know most things and managed to find her a better job in a company that was going places. It wasn’t that much trouble but from the way she acted when I told her you would have thought I was Jesus come again. Then she acted like she was kinda mad at me for doing all this stuff for her but she wasn’t serious none because her eyes were shining.

She worked real hard at that new job but from the sounds of it she wasn’t better off than from the last one. They made her work long hours and her pay made me kinda mad for all the work she was doing. I made more from my teaching in a week than she did in a month and she worked three times as hard. She was happy though and it looked like after a time she was going places, so I didn’t say nothing about it.

We went to the countryside, we caught a bus early in the morning and went to a place called ;;;. It was still dark when we left the city and the sun was coming up as we were leaving. I remember the sky still with stars and the sun red as anything pushing up into the sky. Then the light turned a light blue, almost green and everything seemed to glow. It makes you think of something else, something bigger you know, when you see all that nature is.

We got off the bus into a small town, there weren’t much there, just dirt tracks and dirty looking restaurants then we got another bus outta town. It was real beautiful. We walked up a small mountain and from the top we could see the outline of the city behind us and fields and other mountains in front. There was a lake with the sun catching of it, looked like broken mirrors and we walked toward it, taking our time, not to rush none. Mary was kinda quiet, not in an unhappy way, just kinda content. Her arm was through mine as we walked which she often did. We saw all kinda birds, I missed birds in the city and didn’t know how much until that day when I heard them singing and flying all over, just them and the fresh air. The trees in some parts were real old, I could see by the way they were all bent and crooked. The grass was a bright green from rain a few days back and I was singing an Elvis song Mary liked to hear.

We found the lake which was bigger than I first thought. It had tiny fish moving in groups, we tried to catch one but they were too quick. We bought food with us and ate some, as by the time we found the lake I was getting kinda hungry. We sat on a blanket looking around and eating. I don’t think I ever felt so at peace with myself in my life and I don’t think I ever will again.

The sweet sound of the birds and the hush of the lake as it moved along side the bank was the most peacful music I ever heard. Mary talked about her work as I sat and listened just liking the way her voice sounded. A light breeze moved through the trees and they seemed to sigh as I felt like doing. It was like we were the only two people on earth and nothing and nobody could ever trouble us. We watched a bird catching fish for a time, flying on the breeze then looking like a plane about to crash then coming right up again, a fish in its beak.

We sat laughing and talking before it got too hot then moved under the trees. Mary’s face was coloured with light and dark as the sun came through the leaves, the way it kept changing was like the way light looks on water. She was saying something when I said, “I want you to marry me. I mean would you marry me?” She just stopped what she was saying and looked down at the grass and I felt my face getting hotter than the noonday sun. Even the birds stopped their singing and the leaves stopped moving and I felt like I just landed on the ground after falling off a mountain. I don’t know why I said it, it just came outta my mouth, I hadn’t ever thought I’d ever ask, though I’d thought about it a real lot.

When she didn’t say nothing I said, “I’m sorry.” Then I said, “Can we still be friends?” and I couldn’t look at her while I said it, just looked at a chicken bone on top of a paper plate. She still didn’t say nothing so I said, “Mary forgive me.” I tried to see what was in her eyes but her hair had fallen down over her face. She said something in Chinese, I wish to this day I knew what she said and I curse myself for not learning it when I had the chance. I feel like everything would make sense if I knew what she said that day.

I don’t know how long we sat there not saying nothing while she looked at the ground. Then she said, “We should go. Let’s go.” We put everything away in bags and for the first time the silence was the worst noise I ever heard. It was real hot walking back and I was sweating so much it was like I been swimming. I could just hear our feet moving in the grass and from time to time could smell the way Mary always smelled as her hair moved in the breeze. It didn’t seem so long on the way to the lake but the journey back was the longest I ever took, I wanted to stop but she kept going and didn’t look to see if I was following. It was like when those words came out of my dumb fat mouth, she was as far from me as the moon to the earth and then some. I could touch her but my hand would go through her because what I was seeing was the shadow of what I had known.

We reached that dirty town and waited for a bus and she didn’t look at me once. Standing beside her at the bus stop I saw just how dumb we’d look together. Her with her delicate beauty and me fat as a pregnant sow, sweating and ugly. I swear if there’d been a rope hanging from that bus stop I wouldn’t given no thought to puttting it round my neck.

We got back to the city late that afternoon. I’d tried talking couple times but only got short answers back so I stopped trying. She wasn’t angry or nothing, but there was something in her voice like she was holding back, kinda tight, you know. I didn’t want that bus to stop because I thought that once it did it would be the last time we were together and as we got off I said, “Will I ever see you again?” and she turned and walked away.

I called in sick that week. John was kinda mad at me but I couldn’t stand in front of all those faces and try to carry on like nothing was wrong. I didn’t open the curtains for the first two days, I didn’t get out of bed. Going to sleep then waking up was worst because when I went to sleep I knew I would have to go through that pain all over the next day. When I did wake the next day I wished I was asleep because all I could feel was this cancer growing inside of me, eating at my bones and twisting my stomach. When I tried to get up or when I went to the bathroom I was like an old man leaning against the wall because it felt like my legs would give out any second. I thought when mom died it was about as low as I could be but this was worse. I guess because mom’s death wasn’t in no way my fault, I felt like it was for a time, when I knew first about her sickness but after a time I figured it couldn’t be.

On the third day I went over to the window but my legs just bent over themselves and I sat on the floor not able to move any. I couldn’t believe how dumb I been thinking someone like her could love someone like me. I just looked at the phone hoping she’d call, I don’t think I ever looked at something so much as that phone. After a time it made me mad, it seemed to be laughing at me, just sitting there showing me she didn’t wanna talk to me.

Mrs Lee came to clean the room. She walked in and stopped with her hand over her nose, I guess because of the smell. I couldn’t smell nothing but I guess it must have been pretty bad. She didn’t see me, just opened the window, then she came over to the bed and saw me blinking in the light and stopped because I surprised her by being there.

She stood looking at me then put her hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever. She said something then went out the room coming back with a wet cloth and a jug of water. She made me sit up and put the cloth over my head and had me drink most of the water down. Then she asked me best she could if I had eaten. She made me soup and fed it to me with a spoon like a baby and my appetite came back some, though I couldn’t taste much. She filled the bath and while it was filling cleaned up the room. I just watched her, moving nothing but my eyes, as she picked things up off the floor, not knowing what time of day or night it was.

She pulled my arms and tried to get me up out of bed to take a bath and when I didn’t budge an inch she got mad and started yelling in Chinese until I went into the washroom to get away from the noise more than anything. I sat on the edge of the bath and looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in days. My face was covered in a half grown beard and my skin the colour of my hand underwater, eyes all bloodshot and dead looking. I felt that soup wanting to come back up just looking at myself so I got undressed and got into the bath and lay there until my skin got wrinkled and the water got cold.

I put on my robe and went into the bedroom where Mrs Lee was waiting for me, sitting on the chair by the desk. She’d made my bed and a pile of dirty laundry was by her feet. There were clean clothes on my bed that I sat on until the room filled with enough darkness to drown in.

When I got back to school my students seemed happy to see me and told me I was thinnner. I hadn’t seen it and didn’t care much one way or the other. It was good to be back at work because I didn’t want time to think. I got through with classes then went straight to my room and waited for the phone. If students called I got kinda mad thinking Mary might be trying to get through and sometimes I just hung up on them. I decided to leave Beijing, I didn’t know where I was gonna go but I knew I couldn’t stay there, I was going crazy. When I walked home from classes I went past her building hoping to see her, not knowing what I would say if I did. If I was downtown or in a restaurant with students I was never listening to what they was saying, just kept staring all round me hoping she would walk by. I thought I saw her couple times but course it wasn’t her.

Then one day I opened the door expecting Mrs Lee and Mary was standing there. I didn’t say nothing, just stood to one side and let her by then followed her into the room.

She stood by the window and I didn’t look at her. I sat on the bed with her outline in the corner of my eye. I saw every tiny move she made, every turn of her head and movement of her hands. She didn’t look at me neither, just kept staring out the window. Then she said, “I’m sorry.” She sat on the chair by the desk and said, “I’m sorry for how I was, that day.” I half laughed and looked at the wall to one side and said, “You got nothing to be sorry for.” I was kinda twisting my hands, they was all wet with sweat and I felt like passing out, my skin all itchy and my heart pumping fast as a steam engine. She looked at my hands twisting and I saw her looking and tried to keep them still but they just got free and begun all over.

Her being there was like a tatoo needle you know. I got a tatoo done when I was a kid and the pain was the worst I ever had. A man jabbed a needle into the same patch of skin over and over and the pain got worse and worse and he just kept stabbing and there was blood running down my arm. Sitting there with Mary in front of me was like that all over. I didn’t hate her or nothing and I wanted her to be there more than anything but I wanted her to go too. But the cup was in front of me and I had no choice but to drink it all down, I couldn’t do nothing else.

I was trying real hard to listen to what she was saying but I guess she was kinda nervous too and it made her pronunciation hard to hear. Her dad was doing okay, I got that much. Then she started talking about the day by the lake and I breathed out real heavy and nearly put my hands over my ears like a kid.

She said, “I didn’t know what to say and wanted to think.” It sounded kinda weird, the way she was saying it, like it was rehearsed, “And I know I didn’t behave myself very good but if you still want to…” I was looking at her, feeling my eyes nearly coming out of their holes, “Wanna what?” She didn’t say nothing for a time then looked me right in the eye, “If you still want to marry me.” I felt the sweat fall from my chin onto my hands and looked about the room half expecting someone to tell me it was all a joke, but they didn’t.

I laughed, like I was choking, the laughing didn’t come outta my mouth but stayed in my throat. Then I opened my mouth and it kinda stayed open while this half crazy sound came out. “Are you serious?” I said, she leaned forward in the chair like she couldn’t understand me so I said, “You’re not kidding me? Are you serious, you wanna marry me?” She nodded and looked down at the floor again. I kept saying, “Are you serious?” Over and over until she said, “Yes. I’m serious. If you still want to I want to.”

She came sat beside me on the bed and to have her so close, to feel the warmth from her, I didn’t want nothing else. “Course I do Mary.” I said, “Are you crazy, course I still wanna marry you.” I wanted to hug her but I was too scared to touch her in case she disappeared, in case it wasn’t real. She looked at me real hard then, looked all over my face and into my eyes and then she smiled and put her hand over mine.

I didn’t kiss her or nothing, I just turned my hand up and held hers and we sat there for a time just smiling at each other. Then she asked if I’d eaten and I thought about it and said no and we started laughing. I don’t know why we laughed so hard but my mouth hurt from it.

We went to a restaurant and it was like old times again, except this time she was mine. I’d kinda forget then remember all over and it was like I was pissed drunk and not happening like it was. We held hands while we ate and talked like we couldn’t get the words out fast enough. Course we didn’t eat nothing. Then she had to go home as her mom was expecting her. We stood outside the restaurant talking long past she should have left and I didn’t want her to go in case I never saw her again. I was so scared she was gonna walk away and not come back, I kept asking questions until I couldn’t think of no more. She knew what I was doing and said she’d call me when she got home, as soon as she walked in the door she’d call me. I said I’d walk her home but she had her bicycle with her and wanted to hurry so I went back to the dormatory fast as I could and waited for the phone to ring, which it did about ten minutes after and it suddenly became my friend all over.

Mary came over real often, she never stayed more than couple hours but she’d come over for lunch or meet me to eat dinner. My days were long in the morning because I was teaching and looking at the clock wanting the hands to move faster so I could get through and see her. Then they went way too fast for the time I was with her. Funny that, the way time is.

I don’t know why, but Mrs Lee didn’t take to Mary one bit. It’s not like we were like Vern and Lily you know, she never stayed over. She never said nothing to me about it but I knew anyways. She changed toward me too, she cleaned my room but didn’t talk so much anymore. We still had classes but soon as they were done she got up and went home. Before, we’d sit and try to use the words we were learning but now she didn’t wanna be around me no more.

I couldn’t see as how anyone couldn’t like Mary, her being so kind and all. I thought for a time Mrs Lee might be jealous but that thought was so dumb. I tried to place where the problem begun. She was talking to Mary in the kitchen when she had lunch for the first time. They seemed to be getting along fine, Mrs Lee turned to me and smiled couple times. After a time though she got all stiff, you know, her back went straight and she moved away, didn’t stand so close and all. I could see something was up. Mary didn’t notice and just carried on talking but knowing Mrs Lee as I did, I knew something was up. Anyways, the phone rang so Mrs Lee went to pick it up and I asked Mary what they were talking about and she said she’d just told Mrs Lee we was getting married.

Maybe she was just surprised that’s all or thought she should have heard it from me first and was hurt I hadn’t told her. It happened so quick and I didn’t wanna tell nobody because I kinda thought if I did it wouldn’t happen. I was still waking up every day wondering if Mary would call it off or someone was gonna tell me it was a joke. It was just too good to be real.

I waited till Mary left then tried to talk to Mrs Lee but she didn’t wanna talk to me about it. I didn’t know what to do after. Mary still talked to her some and didn’t let on she knew something was up but I wasn’t too comfortable when they was together. Course I was in love with Mary and would have sided with her if it had come to that but I didn’t want that to happen Mrs Lee having done so much for me and all. I thought if I left it, would sort itself out like Vern and Lily, so I didn’t do nothing about it. But it didn’t change any. Course Mrs Lee wasn’t impolite or nothing but she kept her distance.

After a time I was too busy to trouble myself about it much. I had a lot of stuff to do about the marriage, all kinda forms to fill out and documents to arrange. Vern helped me some having done them so recent and all. I went to Mary’s house once or twice a month and visited her father in hospital to see how he was getting along. He seemed fine, a nice old guy, always happy to see me even though we couldn’t talk or nothing. I smiled a lot and he smiled back and we were happy with that. Mary’s mother cooked me dinner and told me to call her mom which was kinda nice. She used to just sit there looking at me smiling. Her smile was kinda weird as three of her front teeth were missing. I told Mary I could pay to have them fixed but she never took me up on the offer.

Come November the weather turned real cold. My windows were old and let in a bitter draft. They didn’t turn on the heater none till the end of November so I was stuck with the cold for a time. Mary bought me a little electric fire but it didn’t make much difference. I was getting less students now the weather was getting bad, people were staying home more and it was getting darker early. They still rode their bicycles though, come rain or shine there were still hundreds of bicycles on the streets.

It snowed and that was a real pleasure to see. Mary and me made a snowman, it couldn’t be too big because the snow wasn’t much but it was a fine snowman. We had a snowball fight too which was kinda fun. I got a photo of Mary standing by the snowman, she’s wearing the red hat and scarf I bought her. She looks beautiful, her lovely smile, teeth so white and her cheeks pink from the cold. She looks so proud of that snowman, her head high and chin out. After we went to a restaurant and talked for couple hours. We were talking a real lot about the interview she’d have if everything was okay with the application, about the different papers we needed for it and what we’d do when we got to the States.

She wanted to do an MBA. Said it was something she’d always wanted to do, it was her dream to go to America and study. She talked about friends of hers who’d gone and what a great time they were having. She was worried about leaving her folks but said she’d send over money and come back often as she could, she even talked about having them come over and live there. When she talked about it, I was proud it was me giving her what she’d always dreamed off. It’s not many people you can do that for and when you can it’s a special kinda feeling. She was like a little kid with her face pressed against a candy store window.

Now we just needed to wait and as it got closer and we did all that needed doing, I was nearly as excited and nervous as her. She asked so many questions about what it was like back home I didn’t know the answers to a lot of them, I guess I don’t notice any.

We went shopping a lot, I never known a girl for looking at stuff all day. I was happy just being with her, walking a long side her and all. I loved buying her what she wanted, she was all serious about it, trying it all on and taking it off then going back to the store and doing it all over.

We bought a red suit for the wedding. Wearing red for a wedding seemed kinda strange to me but in China it was traditional and meant happiness. She loved that suit, it was made of deep red, thick silk. She put it on when we got back and kept telling me to feel the cloth, to see how good it was. For weeks after she kept taking it out of its cover and looking at it, like she’d never seen nothing like it in her life before.

She showed it to Mrs Lee after we done eating one time but she only looked at it real quick then went back into the cooking area. They still weren’t friends which was all I wanted them to be, Mrs Lee didn’t hardly talk to me and didn’t wanna have classes with me no more, said she as too busy.

The day for the wedding came through and I got a suit made. Mary came with me and made sure I had the right colour and it was done right. I had a hair cut and all and felt real good standing in front of the mirror with my new suit and shoes. I knew I wasn’t no Elvis in it but it fitted real well and I looked kinda smart.

The day before the wedding I couldn’t sleep. I tried for a time but it wasn’t no good. I knew marrying Mary was the best thing that ever happened to me, that I was the most luckiest guy in the world. I was just scared it was all too good to be real you know. It came up so sudden after months of talking. I was scared it was all gonna change, something was gonna happen to stop her loving me. I was scared I wouldn’t treat her right or I was gonna mess up like I always did. I was most scared I was the wrong guy for her and she would be happy with someone much better than me. That was what I was most scared of, that she was making a big mistake and by marrying me she would miss out with someone better. I knew I wasn’t in no way good enough for her.

I got dressed and went for a walk. The moon was in a C shape, real thin, like a single stroke of white chalk. There weren’t no stars and no one much on the streets because of the cold and snow. First I went past Mary’s house but no lights were on, then I went along the streets and ended back at that park gate where I been a while back after the feeling I had in the bar that time.

I got rid of the snow on the seat and sat for a long time till it got too cold to sit longer.

I didn’t know what was gonna happen when I got home. I was going back to make Mary happy and, though that was what was most important, I left thinking I was never going back. Looking over the past few months I seen as how I was living in that time and not connecting it to the future. Like that time was an island cut off from everything else. I hadn’t thought none about what I was going to do when I got back in the States. I gone sold the house and didn’t have no ways of getting a job fitting for what Mary wanted. She kinda thought everyone back home had more money than they knew what was good for them, that getting a high salary job was easy as picking apples.

When I thought about it real hard, I didn’t wanna go back. Going back was like walking smack into that guy I was doing my damnedest to forget.

Like when I close my eyes and sing Elvis, with my eyes closed for a time: I’m him. I feel what he feels, I sing what’s in his heart. I open my eyes and the song’s stopped and it’s just me and I know I’m not Elvis: I’m nothing. I’m some fat guy with nothing in his life but a girl he knows is too good for him.

So I sat there, these two guys fighting each other. The new me and the old me and nothing much in between except the moon, thin as deaths’ sickle. And I knew that night, that if I ever wanted to be happy I was gonna have to get rid of one of them. I saw the sun, pale as a sick child trying to fight it’s way into the new day and I got up, my legs stiff and numb with the cold and sitting so long and went back to the dormatory to get ready for my wedding.

It didn’t get light that day. I could just see what was in front of me as I went over to Mary’s at ten thirty. Her mother was waiting for me at the door to the appartment building. She looked up at me and smiled, that strange smile with those missing front teeth and took my arm as we walked up the stairs.

Mary was waiting by the door as we came in. She wasn’t done dressing yet and was still in the bathroom. When she came out, she came straight over and started straightening my tie and smoothing my hair. As she stood close I saw her eyes had dark circles under and she didn’t look me in the eye. She wasn’t wearing her red suit but something else I seen her wearing to work couple times. When I asked her why, she laughed and said she was wearing that for the reception after. So I asked her to wear the dress I first seen her in, the blue one with the tiny flowers but she said it was too cold, it was a summer dress. I guess she was right.

We caught a cab to the Civil Administration building where they do the marriages. It was just us, I thought she’d want some friends or relatives with her but she said that wasn’t how it was done in China. We went into a big room, over a hundred other people were in there or so it seemed and we stood at the back of a kinda line. Everyone was all bunched up together and I said to Mary that sometimes they must make mistakes, you know and marry the wrong people. She didn’t laugh and I don’t know why I said it except for I was nervous. She kept asking if I had the papers we needed, the health certificates and photographs, so I just gave them to her. We waited for an hour, maybe more. I seemed to be the most interesting thing in that place from the people looking and talking about me and was kinda uncomfortable by the time we got to the desk. A man in a uniform with a whole bunch of red books piled up to one side held out his hand for the papers. He looked at them real hard, kept staring at me and looking at my passport and other stuff he had. I didn’t like the way he was looking at Mary neither. Then he got the photographs and stuck them into the book, stamped it couple times with a red stamp and I was a married man. Soon as he was done, I felt an elbow in my side and I was near as knocked over as another couple went to get married. We stood to one side and Mary put the book into her purse and we went outside where the wind had blown up to a near gale and Mary gave me a tissue to wipe my eyes because the dirt had gotten into them.

Then we went to a photostore to get the pictures done. That took the rest of the day and I didn’t like the way they done Mary up in all that make up. It was real thick and when they were done I didn’t hardly recognise her. She put on three or four different dresses and we had to sit under these hot lights for hours in dumb poses. She seemed kinda happy though so I guess it was alright. She was talking to the other ladies there and liked having her face all done up so I didn’t mind it so much.

We ate at a restaurant nearby then went to the hospital to see her folks. Her mom started crying which got Mary going too but her father seemed real pleased about it all and kept patting my arm and smiling at me. We didn’t wanna excite her father too much so we left after couple hours and went to the dormatory.

We got into my room and Mary went straight to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the bed, took off my jacket and tie and waited for her to come out. I guess I must have fallen asleep, not having slept the night before, I was kinda tired.

I woke up about two, sore from sleeping with my head against the wall. I got up to use the bathroom and the door was locked. I couldn’t work out why, course I’d forgotten Mary was there having just woken and all and pulled the handle thinking it was stuck. She kinda screamed, I guess she didn’t know who it was. I knocked on the door and asked if she was alright, I was concerned she’d hurt herself. She said everything was fine and she would be out soon, so I went back to the bed and sat down. She came out after about ten minutes, her eyes all swollen from crying and looked worn out. I got up to comfort her but she moved away from me to the wall. I said, “What’s wrong honey?” and she said, “I miss my mother.” Then she started crying again and I couldn’t help it neither though I wasn’t too certain what I was crying about. I put my arms round her and held her close as I could without hurting her and waited for her to stop.

Then I told her to get changed while I used the bathroom and to go to bed. When I came out she was asleep so I sat on the chair by the desk and tried to get what sleep I could. When I woke the next day, she was gone. She left a note saying she was at home and I could reach her there. I had to go to work so I stopped by on the way home. No one was in so I went home and called until someone answered the phone. She said she didn’t wanna stay in the dormatory and wanted an appartment. I thought what she said was reasonable. There was only one small bed and I filled most of it, couldn’t swing a cat in that room anyways so I guessed an appartment was a good idea. I said I would do what I could.

We had the reception three days later. I booked a room in a hotel and ten people came. Mary wore the red suit and looked beautiful as can be, with tiny white and red flowers in her hair. I’d given her a ring that she showed to people, though it was too big for her. We stayed there couple hours, one or two people got up to make speeches but I didn’t know what they said though I bet they were good ones the way people were banging their glasses and laughing. Mary said a few words and I stood beside her while she said them. We drank a real lot then sang Karaoke and I sang an Elvis song that went down real well and made me feel a part of things. People kept asking us to drink with them and banging their glasses on the table, they played all kinda drinking games. Mary didn’t normally drink so the drink affected her and she started crying before the end. I guess she was sad her father wasn’t there for her. That kinda broke the party up and I took her back to her moms’ house.

I found couple appartments but Mary didn’t seem happy with none of them, some of them were real nice too. I was kinda worried she was looking for excuses after a time so I tried to talk to her about it and she said she wanted to live with her mom while her dad was still so sick. I laughed when she said that, more from relief than anything else. I guess she didn’t say nothing before in case she hurt my feelings. So she stayed with her mom and nothing changed much except she wore a ring now and I was a husband.

Nothing changed much physically anyways but in my head I felt more content, more happy with myself. I wasn’t so scared she was gonna change her mind about loving me, I knew how much she loved me. I felt like everything was just right, you know, that whatever had been bugging me was laid to rest. I didn’t know what had brought me to China, why I’d moved away, I just knew that whatever I was looking for wasn’t at home. I didn’t even know I been looking for something up to that point, it was only when I stopped that it occurred to me I had been.

I wasn’t happy like I was after Mary came to my room that day to tell me she wanted to marry me. It was a different kinda happiness, like all the pieces of my life suddenly fitted together and made sense. I felt like a whole person. After mom died there was this big hole left that I didn’t think would ever go away and now I had Mary. I had this beautiful, smart lady who loved me for all that I was.

I rented a new appartment so Mary would feel more comfortable coming over. I felt it was time I left anyways, the room being so small and all. When I left, Mrs Lee wasn’t there to say goodbye to so I bought her flowers and left a note to say thankyou to her for all she’d done for me while I was there. I decided to go and see her sometime to thank her again in person as I still thought of her as a friend.

Mary brought my lunch over every day and something extra to have for dinner. Her mom was a real good cook and always made what Mary told her I liked. Her brother helped get the rent down and fix the place up, it was like having a family. Some of the things they did for me touched my heart. I felt like I was troublesome to them, them having other things on their mind and their own families to look after.

Come the Spring festival in February, Mary’s father was ready to come outta hospital. He was still weak but not in any danger and could be looked after at home. Mary spent a lot of her time with him and I didn’t see so much of her for a time. We spoke to each other couple times a day on the phone but she spent most of the Spring Festival looking after her dad. I couldn’t go over because he was asleep a lot of the time and they didn’t want him excited or nothing so I stayed away. I missed her a lot that week, it was the first time since we were married I hadn’t seen her everyday. Her brother’sⁱⁱ wife brought over my lunch, she was a nice lady and could speak a little English so we talked some, most times about Mary’s father and how he was getting along.

I started taking on extra classes after the Spring festival. I needed more money to pay for the emmigration costs and to save some for a place to live and Mary’s MBA when we went back. I was working mornings and evenings and didn’t have much time for nothing else. When I got back in the afternoon, I’d take a nap before Mary came over, then I’d spend an hour with her before she went back to work. I was worried mostly how she was gonna be in the States when she was so close to her family and all. She couldn’t pass one night away from her folks so I didn’t see as how she was gonna live in a different country to them. That bothered me a real lot. Course I was happy to stay there and told her once that if it was a problem her leaving, it was no trouble staying where we were. Her reaction to that was kinda strange, her eyes opened wide and her mouth twisted like she was gonna cry or scream or I don’t know what. I never talked about it since.

After, I could see how she was so upset, it must have seemed like I was angry with her for not living with me and using the States as a way of forcing her. Course that wasn’t my intention but I could see as how she might have taken it that way. She was busy and tired a lot of the time. She’d taken on extra work too and had no rest when she got home on account of her father. It must have been hard on her and I guess I was selfish wanting her with me all the time when she had other people to look after. Being like I am though, I opened my dumb mouth again and told her I’d pay for a nurse to help her. I couldn’t stand seeing her so tired all the time and all but she took it like I was telling her she wasn’t capable of looking after her family none and didn’t talk to me for a time.

I nearly went crazy when she did that. I sent flowers over to her office and waited for her every lunch time but she found another way of getting out of the building. Her mother told me she wasn’t in when I stopped by and she had her cell phone switched off. I couldn’t sleep for three days and came down with flue. I never felt so sick in all my life. I always been kinda healthy considering my eating habits but I was so weak for a time there I thought my time was nearly up.

I’d tried to call her but like a child couldn’t hold the phone properly. Then I didn’t wanna trouble her none, her having her father to look after and I always seen to myself anyways. Mrs Lee came over. I guess she must have heard from one of the other teachers at the dormatory that I wasn’t feeling too good and found out where I lived. I opened the door thinking it was Mary and when Mrs Lee was standing there I didn’t know what to say so I just asked her to come in and went to the sofa and laid down. Getting up to go to the door had taken what energy I had outta me.

She made me soup and straightened out the appartment some. I tried to tell her not to bother but she didn’t listen and I was too tired to argue. Opening my eyes was hard enough, felt like they was glued shut and when I could, everything was blurred and outta focus. It hurt to move them, sent a pain right to the back of my head.

When she saw I was comfortable and eaten some she pulled up a chair and took my hand. Then she started talking to me but I couldn’t understand what she was saying, it was Chinese with a little English. That with my head feeling like there was a piston thumping away in it didn’t make for easy listening. When I heard her say Mary’s name, I opened my eyes best I could. She said something like Mary was no good, then she put her hand over her heart and patted it couple times. She said Mary didn’t love me. When I heard that I felt like someone set my blanket on fire, the anger within me blew up so big. I didn’t let her finish what she was trying to tell me. I sat right up and told her to leave, I pointed at the door and said I was grateful for her looking after me and all but I never wanted her near my house again. I stood up to show her out, I wanted her out quick as I could but my legs just bent under me and I fell back down on the sofa.

I heard the door close and I was breathing so heavy, felt like I was having a heart attack. Then I must have passed out because I woke up and it was dark outside and I wasn’t sure I hadn’t dreamt it all up. I guess I must have been right about Mrs Lee to begin with and she was jealous of Mary. Beats me how a mother and wife could get herself carried away like that over someone like me. Funny the way the world is, you know. I felt kinda embarrassed for her and would have liked to keep being friends with her but I couldn’t let a person talk about Mary like that. If it’s just me, I don’t feel right bearing a grudge and will do all I can to see things straightened out as best they can be but this wasn’t about me, this was about Mary, my wife. I couldn’t have people saying bad things about her, not when she was so special and kind. You just had to see how much she loved her family to see what kinda person she was.

Course I never told Mary about Mrs Lee or what she said, tried to forget it as best I could. I was feeling better after a week, I kept getting headaches from time to time and sometimes I was short of breath and had to stop teaching and sit down. My students got kinda conerned about me which was nice. Mary came over and I realised how much I really loved her when I saw her again. I was like a man dying of thirst drinking her in like water. Feeling her near me, talking to me. She noticed I wasn’t feeling so good soon as she saw me. It felt great someone knew me so good, you know. She went out and came back with a whole bag of groceries, fresh fruits and vegetables. She held my hand as she sat beside me and I knew what it was like to never want nothing else. Just to be with that one person I loved made everything else I done seem without colour.

The weather got warmer but not much and there was a terrible strong wind that carried dirt on it. Heard tell it came from the deserts in Mongolia. What with that and the construction works always going on there, I couldn’t open my eyes. Some women wore thin scarves over their faces, looked kinda weird till I got used to it. Trash flew all over the place, the trees without leaves looked like they had different coloured flowers until you got close. Saw some terrible near accidents as people got blown off their bikes into the road. It was dry too, so dry I was getting electric shocks of just about everything, got scared to touch something after a time.

By April it wasn’t so windy and the sun was beginning to get strong. The days were longer but it was still dusty and sometimes hard to breath the pollution being so heavy and all. The date for the emmigration interview came through for July. There didn’t seem to be nothing stopping us. Mary’s father was strong and walking now, he didn’t need so much looking after. We started practicing for the interview but what with Mary’s English being so good we didn’t think it would be too much bother. Still we got what books we could on the subject and talked to what people we could about it as we didn’t wanna mess up and have to start over.

I arranged for time off work so I could go with Mary to a place near Hong Kong where all the business takes place for emmigration. I even thought we could make it into a vacation seeing as we didn’t have no honeymoon but Mary wanted to get back quick as she could, said she couldn’t get the time of work.

(need to find out what happens in the interviews, forms etc that need filling out – how long does it really take to come through)

Now her father wasn’t so sick, Mary was doing extra training for work in the evenings. Her work being close to her home, seemed only natural she stayed over there. She said she wanted to get as much experience as she could, so she wouldn’t find it too hard getting a job in the States. They made her work long hours and some weekends too. I tried talking to her about it, saying she should take time to relax once in a while. I was worried about her getting sick but she said she could cope with it and it would help our future together. I guessed she was right so didn’t say nothing else about it though I was still concerned she was gonna wear herself out.

If she wasn’t doing overtime or training at weekends we’d go shopping to a big mall that was having a sale. Often times after that we’d go to a restaurant. One of my favourite things to do with Mary was eating. She kinda became a different person. She’d pick up the menu and look at it real serious, then she’d ask the waiting staff a whole bunch of questions and if something wasn’t just right she’d make them do it again. She liked food a lot though she wasn’t in no way fat. She ate real slow as well, taking her time picking at the different dishes with that elegant way of holding her chopsticks. We would spend hours in restaurants. I’m never fussy about what I eat, you can tell by just looking at me but she had an idea each time we ate out of exactly what she wanted. Like she planned it that day after waking up and nothing could stop her getting it. Course in China each restaurant is known for a different kinda food so we would spend a while just looking for the place that served the kinda food she wanted to eat that day. When we finished and wanted to pay she’d take the bill and ask another bunch of questions as to what cost what and check the menu to make certain they weren’t cheating us any. Course if it was up to me I just paid what they asked for but she said if I did that I’d be cheated. I’m just dumb I guess.

The worst part about those Saturday’s was leaving her to go back to her folks and going back to the appartment alone. I wanted to stay in the restaurant long as I could so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to her after seeing her home. I tried her coming home with me couple times but she just sat there with her coat on, not saying much until I said if she wanted I’d take her home. Course I can understand her reasons, after all I’m no Elvis but, I just wanted her around me, that’s all. We never talked about nothing personal like that, so I couldn’t tell her how I felt and how it wasn’t what she thought. It was better left the way it was, I guess, I didn’t wanna upset her or nothing.

Come the end of May the weather was real hot. I bought an air conditioner for Mary’s appartment, didn’t see how they lived without one before. I seen the people around the block where she lived, they got up real early and sat outside in the shade, when it got too hot they went indoors then in the afternoon come back out again and sat there till they went to bed. They’d jaw or play chess, the kids played soccer or badmington. Gave a real community to the place. Especially for the old folks who had nothing to do all day. The old men went to the parks with their birds in cages and took their grandkids along or the old women sat watching the kids play, knitting or talking with their friends. Course most Chinese lived with their mom and dad all their lives, so they’d look after the kids while the parents went to work and cooked dinner for when they got back. It’s not just because they couldn’t afford to live nowhere else, it’s from duty and a whole bunch of other reasons.

I wanted to have a whole bunch of kids with Mary, to watch them play, get educated and get married. I wanted to look after them and make sure no harm came to them, to give them everything I never had and then some. I was planning on talking about it with Mary once we got back home. I was excited about it because I knew she liked children. I knew that once I had my own children I could die a happy man, not that I couldn’t have anyways, being married to Mary and all.

I ate a real lot of Water melon as the weather got hotter, don’t think I ate so much water melon in my whole life. You could buy it there on sticks that and fresh pineapple ready peeled. I found a barbeque stall similar to the one I went to when I lived at the dormatory and would sit there till late in the evening when I got through with classes. I wasn’t drinking any, Mary didn’t like it and never drank, so I would drink iced tea. I guess I was getting kinda healthy.

The date for the interview came close and we went over what Mary was gonna say, if she passed we had six months to move over to the States. We got a plane down to a place called Guanzhou, just on the border of Hong Kong. We stayed in a hotel with a Karaoke bar downstairs that played till the early hours. I was kinda nervous, not for me but for Mary because I knew how much this meant to her and all. She didn’t say much, she didn’t sleep and didn’t eat any. I tried to get her to eat something but she just pushed the bowl away and sat looking out the window of the restaurant. I wanted to take a look at the place, it looked kinda interesting. A real mixture of people, lots of bars and restaurants but she wanted to study English and sit in the hotel room until the interview and I didn’t wanna leave her alone.

The interview went okay and we passed. The officer told us soon as it was finished. He asked all kinda questions about money, health, work the kinda stuff we were expecting and Mary did real well considering how strung out she was. We left the room and she started crying. I stood with my arms around her till she calmed down. Then she said she wanted to be alone for a time and would meet me back at the hotel in couple of hours. I went to the restaurant wondering how it was gonna be when I went back home, how Mary would take to it being so different and how she would feel about living so far away from her family and all.

I sat looking down at the street with all the people carrying massive bags stitched out of cloth wondering where they were going or coming from. I saw a couple couples like me and Mary mostly old men with young looking ladies. I guessed they were all there for the same thing and it gave me a creepy kinda feeling, you know.

Mary came back and we started packing, the plane left in a few hours and we needed to check in. She said she’d eaten something while she was out and phoned her mom to tell her the news. She was smiling for the first time in days and was holding my hand and swinging my arm like a kid as we waited outside for a taxi to take us to the airport.

We hadn’t talked much about when we were leaving, I guess both of us thought it was unlucky to plan that far ahead and all. Now she couldn’t stop talking about it. We went straight over to see her mom soon as we got back and her father was sitting up and listenened to the details of the interview. I just kinda sat there not knowing what they was talking about but once or twice they looked my way and smiled so I guess they were happy about the way things went.

I kinda knew now that I was leaving China and I didn’t wanna go. I enjoyed teaching, I guess I had a kinda talent for it and I loved my students. I felt like I was just getting to know it, learn about its ways and history. I loved the food, though the weather kinda sucked. I liked where I lived, my appartment and listening to the people living around me, getting to know their ways and habits, feeling a part of something you know. Course I didn’t tell Mary any, I didn’t wanna spoil this for her. And I knew I’d be coming back often as she would to see her folks so it wasn’t like I was leaving forever.

Mary found a university she wanted to go to in Boston. She got accepted over the internet and just needed to send over her certificates and some other details. We planned to be back home for when the new semester started in September. The course was gonna take most of my savings from the house with just enough left over to put a downpayment on an appartment. I never lived in Boston before so checked up about it on the internet looking for work. I guessed I could work in a store for a time until I found something that paid better.

Mary spent all her time with her folks, given that we only had couple months before we left I figured it was only natural. I never seen someone looking so happy as she did over that time. She was sad in a way as she was going to miss her family but it didn’t stop her looking forward to the new life she was gonna have. I was just as excited for her as she could be for herself.

I went out with my students for dinner couple times and went to the bar with Vern and John for old times sake. Vern was kinda happy for me and kept patting me on the back and saying what a lucky man I was and John raised his glass to me couple times. Vern said Mrs Lee often asked Lily about me which I thought was kind of her and when I thought back to that time when I was sick it made me kinda embarrassed about the way I’d overreacted and all. I sang a song, Look Like an Angel by Presley, one of my favourites which everyone seemed to like then went back to the appartment. There wasn’t much for me to do that night. I’d sent most of my belongings to a postal address in the States I could pick up once I got back.

The appartment looked kinda bare as it was just the furniture left. I didn’t feel much like sleeping so I sat, trying to read for a time but couldn’t concentrate any. I ended up getting up and looking around for stuff I might have missed. I kept finding myself in the kitchen or bathroom and wondering why I was there. I phoned Mary couple times and she was relaxed and spending time with her family. I thought she’d be more nervous or sad than she was I guess she’d gotten used to the idea and was trying to make the best of the time she had left.

Her mother and father, some friends and relatives came with us to the airport the next day. We arrived well before schedule there didn’t seem much need to hang around any. Mary didn’t stop holding hands with her mother and she had her arm through her father’s which I found kinda touching. They’d all be talking for a time then nobody would say nothing, then they’d all start talking at the same time again. Sounded like they was fighting and I guess to an outsider that’s what they were doing but I was kinda used to it by now and knew they were only talking.

I was just as sad to be leaving so I could see why Mary was so upset, though she was doing all she could to hold it back. She couldn’t stop herself any once the flight was announced. I went to check in the bags and when I came back they were all crying, including her father. I kinda got the feeling they felt like I was taking her away from them, some of the looks I was getting but I guess that was just me being paranoid and upset and all.

We went through the hand luggage detector when Mary turned and ran back to her family and they hugged each other again, then she slowly walked back, her head held high, pulling down the edges of her suit jacket. She turned and waved as we went round the corner into the waiting lounge and looked at me for the first time since we left her appartment. She put her arm through mine and said, “Let’s go look at the make up.” Which I found kinda funny though I don’t know why.

i Yu Mei (Ren) has several meanings. It means flower but, in ancient China the flower was mistaken for the opium flower so in ancient Chinese it means Poison Flower. Yu Mei Ren is ancient Chinese for Concubine and Mei also means American or in America.

ii In China a cousin is called a brother or sister. Mary is an only child.

Copyright. 2002. K B Morris. All Rights Reserved.